It was easier to be alone… the writer who played the good guy got peace.

I’ve always wanted to connect with someone, but I never really have. at midnight. It was my nightly custom.

says Hisano Kobayashi, author of the essay book “45 cm Distance. The subtitle of the book is “Relationships in a World with Increased Connectivity. In the course of my work, I often got to know people, and expanding my relationships sometimes led to work.

At that time, I was all-around diplomatic in both my work and private life. I wanted to be considered a ‘good person’ by everyone. I was taught by my grandmother to ‘accumulate virtues.’ I would talk to people who seemed to be in trouble, and if I thought they were having trouble, I would listen to them. I never refused an invitation, so there was a time when I said, “I drink eight times a week.

I felt uneasy unless I was connected to someone. I also had the feeling that I might be indebted to someone somewhere, and that maybe I would get a job because of it.

In fact, there were times when he received work from such friendships, so it seems that greed and virtue got mixed up, and his relationships expanded. He also made an effort to keep these connections alive.

He would always call to congratulate someone he knew on their birthday.”

It is, well, not uncommon for people to wish their close friends “Happy Birthday” on their birthdays. In Kobayashi’s case, however, the number of people he contacted was off the charts.

Once he exchanges contact information, he never deletes it. I have about 600 contacts on my phone, ranging from high school friends to people I recently met on the job. As you can imagine, I didn’t send out happy birthday wishes to all 600 people… but I did to about 300.”

It’s someone’s birthday almost every day of the year, 365 days a year, isn’t it?

Yes. I would send a birthday card at midnight every night to say ‘Happy Birthday’ as soon as it came.

Wasn’t that a bit…difficult?

It had become something of a habit.

SOS from the body, and the LINE and social networking services were sorted out.

Mr. Kobayashi’s first sign of change came about 10 years ago when he moved to Sangenjaya.

It is a popular town on the west side of Tokyo, and there are many bars. One day I went out for a drink alone. When you drink with people from work, you have to take care of them, but I thought, “Oh, it’s so much easier.

Perhaps it is easier to be alone. With this thought in mind, Mr. Kobayashi expanded the scope of his solo activities. He goes out drinking, on vacations, to the movies, and to concerts by himself. He even went to a full-course meal by himself.

If you go on a trip with someone else, you have to make plans with them. If I were traveling with someone else, I would have to adjust my schedule. If I wanted to go to that sushi restaurant, I would have to think about whether my budget would allow it or not. But if you are alone, you can go where you want to go when you want to go. I don’t have to worry about the people I’m going with and don’t have to continue to be a “good person. I realized how easy it was.

But that doesn’t mean that his friendships have narrowed. He still goes out for drinks whenever he is invited and sends birthday messages at midnight. However, it was his body that began to scream in the face of these days. He began to develop an unexplained rash on his body.

I went to various hospitals and had various tests, but they couldn’t find the cause,” she said. They said, ‘The only thing we can think of is stress. So I decided to reevaluate my relationships.

The first thing he did was to clean up his LINEs, deleting those with whom he had exchanged LINEs but no longer had a relationship, and reviewing his social networking services.

I realized that I could get almost all the information I wanted with just that.

He has also gradually reduced the number of people who send him birthday messages.

I gradually reduced the number of people I send birthday messages to. It was probably a relationship I was forcing myself to stay connected to.”

Now, there are 10 people to whom I say “Happy Birthday! I now have 10 people to say “Happy Birthday!

It took me 10 years to realize that it is okay to run away from people you don’t like.

Two years ago, when the Corona Disaster called for social distance, Mr. Kobayashi suddenly realized that he was comfortable with this distance. Perhaps it is better to keep a little distance in our relationships. That was the impetus for writing ” 45 cm Distance,” he says.

Before, I used to close the distance between myself and people without any sense of distance. But by keeping a proper distance, I have more time for myself. For example, I have more time to read books, and I feel very comfortable now.”

There are times when you don’t have to close the distance yourself, but the other person does. What do you do when that happens?

All I had to do was run away. I used to be unable to say no. I even got a call from a female friend who lived nearby saying, ‘There’s a cockroach in the house,’ and I went to get rid of it. But she was just using me for her own good. When I realized that, I was able to say no. Before, I wanted to be considered a good person by all people, so I couldn’t say no to anyone who asked me for a favor. But now I know that it is okay to run away from people I don’t like. This is another thing I have learned over the past 10 years.”

Mr. Kobayashi says he used to feel insecure unless he was connected to many people. When I asked him how many friends he has now, he thought for a moment before answering, “How many friends do I have now? When I asked him how many friends he has now, he thought for a moment and then said, “Four.

I answered, “Four, but that’s enough. But that’s enough.

He laughed. Everyone wants to be liked by everyone. But that doesn’t mean celebrating birthdays at midnight or forcing yourself to hang out with people you don’t like.

I want to tell people who are struggling with their relationships right now. You don’t have to do that.”

Hisano Kobayashi: Essays, columns, planning, editing, writing, promotion business, etc. Her books include “Kekkon to nakarikatachi kara no ryuwashikana life,” which describes her raging marriage life, and her new book, “45 centimeters of Distance” ( WAVE Publishing Co., Ltd.). Born in Hamamatsu City, Shizuoka Prefecture. Twitter: @hisano_k