[As Pointed Out by a Psychologist] Are One-on-Ones at Work Dangerous!? Solutions for Subordinates Who “Want Their Boss to Read Their Mind” and Bosses Who Put Up Defenses

“I just don’t understand what young people these days are thinking.”

There are quite a few supervisors who voice such frustrations in the workplace. As generations change, so do approaches to work and the way people maintain personal boundaries. Forms of communication that were once taken for granted may no longer be effective today.

Why do managers and subordinates end up at odds, even though they work in the same office? We asked Dr. Hiroaki Enomoto, a psychologist who has researched the psychology of self-disclosure.

“Read My Mind” While Asserting Yourself

Now that Gen Z is thriving as working professionals, both work styles and workplace communication have changed significantly from the past.

“Expressing one’s own opinions” is one such example. In the past, a quiet, hardworking attitude—even if one spoke little—tended to be valued, but today, employees are expected to articulate their achievements and ideas verbally.

The emphasis on “speaking up” stems from a blend of Japan’s unique culture of “unspoken harmony” and “telepathic understanding” with the Western-style “results-oriented” approach that values self-assertion.

However, this does not mean that traditional Japanese communication styles have disappeared.

“In Japan, there used to be an unspoken rule that if you refrained from asserting yourself and simply demonstrated a serious work ethic, others would be considerate of you. This has been mixed with the Western idea that you must assert yourself to be recognized by those around you,” says Hiroaki Enomoto (hereinafter the same).

While assertiveness has become more widespread, the sentiment that “I want others to understand me without me having to say anything” still persists. He points out that both of these characteristics are particularly evident among the younger generation.

“People often say that young people these days are assertive, but in reality, there are those who harbor the belief deep down that ‘they should understand without me having to say anything’ or ‘they should be able to read between the lines.’ Caught between these two cultures, there are people who may appear fine on the surface but are actually struggling internally.”

That said, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to expect others to read between the lines. The reality is that even those expected to interpret others’ feelings no longer have the mental bandwidth to do so.

“We live in an era where it’s hard to know what constitutes harassment. Even a well-intentioned warning or piece of advice given with the other person in mind is rendered meaningless the moment they say, ‘That hurt my feelings.’ Of course, some point out that we need to be careful about how we phrase things, but even before that, we’ve entered an era where it’s simply become difficult for anyone to intuit how others are feeling.”  

That’s why, unless you take the initiative to speak up to some extent, your boss can’t possibly understand everything. Yet, people still expect that “they should understand without me having to say anything,” and when those expectations aren’t met, it leads to frustration—that’s where the disconnect comes from. I think the first step is to realize that.”

Why the Social Media Generation Hides Their True Feelings

Even though we lump them together as “young employees,” their behaviors aren’t all the same. While some are assertive, others are quiet at work. They can express themselves freely on social media, yet they rarely voice their opinions in the workplace. One reason for this difference is whether or not they can choose “who to associate with.”  

“With the spread of the internet, the distance between people and the types of people we connect with have changed, haven’t they? If values align, you can become close with someone even if they’re far away, rather than just those nearby. As a result of naturally seeking out and communicating only with people who get along well with you or are similar to you, there are an increasing number of cases where this is causing problems in the real world.”

Online, it’s easy to put some distance between yourself and someone if you think, “I don’t really click with this person” or “They’re from a completely different world than me.” But work doesn’t work that way. Whether it’s colleagues, supervisors, or business partners, there are bound to be people whose values or personalities don’t align with yours.

What’s even more troublesome is that once you get used to an environment where you can connect only with people who share your values, you’ll find the workplace—where you have to interact with people who think differently—even more burdensome.

“That said, social media doesn’t mean you can reveal your true feelings to just anyone. When I observe students, many say they can’t speak their minds because they never know what even their friends might post about them on social media. They don’t reveal their true feelings to protect themselves. I think that’s a defining characteristic of the social media generation.”

While they can choose to connect with people who are a good fit for them, they’re cautious about what they say there. This is even more true in a workplace where you can’t choose your colleagues. They stick to safe, inoffensive topics and keep quiet the rest of the time. It’s simply safer that way.

Managers Who “Don’t Speak Up” Out of Self-Preservation

So, what about supervisors? Even if they listen to their subordinates, they rarely talk about themselves. They seldom share stories of failures from their youth or discuss the concerns they’re currently facing.

“Middle managers and those in higher positions have, to some extent, stopped revealing their true selves as a form of self-defense. After all, showing vulnerability or asserting oneself in the wrong way can lead to people shying away from you. Furthermore, while it used to be considered kindness to empathize with the worries and pain in another person’s heart, at some point it came to be seen as kindness to keep your distance and simply watch over them.”

Because the definition of kindness has changed, the very way we bridge that distance has changed as well. In reality, however, there are still many people who are happy to hear someone ask, “What’s wrong?”  

“Do they want me to engage with them, or do they want to be left alone? Do they want me to step in, or do they want me to stay out of it? I just can’t tell. Since people’s sensitivities vary so much, and I don’t know which type the other person is, it’s hard for me to take the initiative. Life has become really difficult for the older generation these days.”

A “Solution” for Risky One-on-Ones

Now that it’s become harder to approach superiors, Mr. Enomoto says the solution lies in younger employees taking the first step.

“If younger employees take the initiative to talk about themselves, their superiors will naturally get a sense of who they are. From there, the superiors will be able to figure out what kind of communication works best, making it easier for both sides to do their jobs.”

If younger employees reach out for advice, supervisors and senior colleagues will also find it easier to share their own experiences.

“However, the more considerate a person is, the more likely they are to feel they shouldn’t burden their seniors or supervisors. That’s why I think we need to create ‘forums for discussion’ as an institutional policy, rather than relying solely on individual initiative.”

Holding individual meetings once a month to listen to concerns and difficulties is important. It’s crucial to have a space where employees can openly express their thoughts—not just negative ones, but positive ones as well.

However, just because it’s a one-on-one meeting doesn’t necessarily mean people will feel comfortable speaking their minds.

“Some people inadvertently reveal too much about themselves and later feel anxious, thinking, ‘Was it okay to say something like that?’ or ‘What if this gets leaked to others?’—which can lead them to lash out at the person who listened. One-on-one meetings, which have become the norm in recent years, have actually become somewhat risky.The ideal format is a ‘2-on-1’ meeting, with one subordinate and two supervisors—either a manager or a senior colleague. That way, the likelihood of a ‘he said, she said’ dispute arising later is reduced.”

And one more thing: internal training designed to help younger employees understand the situation is also very important.

“To begin with, reprimands and advice are given with the intention of helping the person grow. If it were someone they didn’t care about, most people would just leave them alone to avoid trouble. Kindness is at the root of reprimands and advice. I think the first step is to help younger employees understand this premise.”

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to perfectly read someone else’s feelings. Through in-house training, we can change the mindset around how to receive constructive criticism; by holding 2-on-1 meetings, we can create a space where people feel comfortable speaking their minds; and by fostering an atmosphere where younger employees feel empowered to speak up on their own.

“At first glance, this may seem like a long road ahead, but if we can achieve this, it will lead to a more vibrant organization. It’s not about individual effort—it’s about being supported by the company’s systems. When you think of it that way, doesn’t it make you feel a little more at ease?”  

▼ Hiroaki Enomoto, Ph. D. in Psychology. Born in Tokyo in 1955. Graduated from the Department of Educational Psychology, Faculty of Education, University of Tokyo. Withdrew from the doctoral program in psychology at the Graduate School of Tokyo Metropolitan University. After serving as a lecturer at Kawamura Junior College, a visiting researcher at the University of California, and an associate professor at Osaka University Graduate School, he is currently the representative of the MP Institute of Human Sciences.He is the author of numerous books, including *The Structure of “Son-to”* (East Shinsho), *People Who Immediately Say “I Can’t Do It”* (PHP Shinsho), and *The Actually Cruel “Praise-Based Upbringing Society”* (Nikkei Premier Series).