How much does your son earn?” …Parents’ Proxy Marriage Activities: “Money, Occupation, and Youthfulness Rather Than Character” Report on the Participation Experience
Earnest and kind. They are solid and hardworking. They are earnest, kind, hardworking, have appropriate academic backgrounds, and have stable jobs. Yet, many parents are troubled by their children who, for some reason, cannot get married.
My two sons, both in their late thirties, are not married, do not have a boyfriend, and are not in the mood for casual relationships with the opposite sex.
Of course, it is up to the individual to decide whether or not to marry, and marriage does not guarantee happiness. Still, parents may feel anxious about their future if they remain alone, or wonder what will happen to their family if there is no heir. The marriage activity business is thriving, targeting parents who are worried about their future if they remain alone, or about what will happen to their family if they do not have an heir.
For example, “proxy marriage activity,” in which parents of unmarried children meet each other to arrange matchmaking and dating opportunities on behalf of their children, is being held throughout Japan, and parents themselves are eagerly searching for marriage partners for their children.
The actual situation is described in my book, “My Child Cannot Find a Marriage Partner,” published in March! ～(Bungeishunju), which was published in March. As a mother and as an interviewee, I have experienced three proxy marriage activities since 2022.
I think it cost about 10 million yen.”
The first time, the fee was 16,000 yen at a hotel in the center of Tokyo. After submitting an application form that included information such as the height, place of residence, occupation, educational background, hobbies, and strengths of the child from the parent’s perspective, I received a “list” one week before the social event. The list of men included information on their “unmarried sons” and the list of women included information on their “unmarried daughters,” so that potential “mates” could be identified in advance before the event.
On the day of the event. On the day of the event, there were about 100 parents carrying a number tag on their chest that was linked to the number on their son’s or daughter’s list. They negotiate with prospective “partners” with more detailed profiles of their children and family structures in hand.
The main purpose of the exchange is the exchange of biographies. Parents show each other personal information and photographs of their sons or daughters, and if both parties are satisfied with the information, they take it home and ask, “What do you think of this person? If both parties are satisfied, they take the information back to the person in question and ask, “What do you think of him or her?
The first half hour is for the parents with sons to approach the parents with daughters. I met the mother of the potential “partner,” but was unexpectedly hit with a counterpunch.
What is your son’s annual income?
What? I was at a loss for words when I was suddenly asked about “money,” even though we were meeting for the first time.
I was at a loss for words. By the way, how much are you hoping for?
Well, about 10 million yen.
Despite my agitation, the other person seemed calm and collected. The only thing I could do was to quickly leave the room when confronted with such serious conditions as “annual income.
The next person I met was a father with a 34-year-old daughter. We greeted each other smilingly, but then he asked me a question that I did not expect.
Is your son working for a publicly traded company?
The father then began to brag about himself. He works for a well-known company and owns two houses in Tokyo. One of them, he said, “I’m thinking of letting my daughter live there when she gets married,” and so on.
After finishing the first half of the session with my body on the floor, the second half was time for the parents with daughters to approach the parents with sons. An affable father came to me with a personal statement of his 34-year-old daughter.
As we talked about both children, it turned out that the other family had once lived in the neighborhood by coincidence. I was elated by this unexpected similarity, as if the two children’s marriage was a foregone conclusion, but then I was confronted with a terrible confession.
My daughter has been approached by many parents who have said, ‘By all means,'” he said.
I haven’t even let her kiss me.
His daughter, who seemed to be in a great demand, had met and dated an elite man with whom she had exchanged biographies at a previous social event.
His daughter said that she had met and dated an elite man with whom she had exchanged credentials at a previous social event, but in the end, she turned him down. And, you know, my daughter didn’t even let him kiss her.
I was astonished by this. He may have been trying to appeal to the purity of his daughter, but how could a father and his daughter, who is in her mid-30s, be talking about “kissing”?
At the after-party, a father with a 50-year-old son confronted me with a harsh reality. He said that the information in the family column on the personal statement, i.e., the educational background and occupation of his parents and siblings, is “important.
The parents who come to the meetings want to find a suitable partner for their child, so it can’t just be anyone. They think not only about the compatibility of the children, but also about the compatibility of the parents and the balance between the parents’ homes.
I was astonished to learn that in addition to the annual income, educational background, and occupation of the applicant, the level of the family was also a requirement, but after listening carefully, I understood. Everyone’s sons and daughters have similar backgrounds. When narrowing down the list of men and women who are “earnest and kind” or “have stable jobs,” the kind of family they have adds value and differentiates them from the rest.
The same was true for the second and third proxy marriages. The conditions of “money,” “occupation,” and “youth” rather than personality. Parents’ expectations and desires took precedence over the children’s intentions and feelings. And yet, the parents are unanimous in their statements, “We don’t have high expectations. They say, “I don’t have high expectations,” or “I’m fine with an ordinary partner.
This may seem contradictory, but why on earth did they go into marriage activity by proxy? Let’s dig deeper in Part 2.
Interview and text： Yuki Ishikawa (Journalist) PHOTO： Afro