Parental Proxy Matchmaking Pitfalls Emerge as Parents Interfere in Arranged Meetings and Question Their Children
【Part 2】Following the previous article, I would like to reflect on “parental proxy matchmaking” through my own experience. Despite the variety of opportunities for meeting people—SNS, dating apps, marriage agencies, and government-supported matchmaking programs—the rising trend of singlehood shows no sign of slowing. Among people in their early 30s (ages 30–34), 51.8% of men and 38.5% of women are unmarried (2023 White Paper on Health, Labour and Welfare), meaning that among men, the unmarried population now exceeds the married.
That said, it is not necessarily the case that people have decided not to marry. According to a 2024 survey by the Children and Families Agency, about 60% of unmarried men and women aged 19–39 answered that they either want to get married immediately or want to get married someday.
From a parent’s perspective, this can easily lead to thoughts such as: “If they want to marry, they should go out and find someone through dating,” or “They should meet someone through work or hobbies.”
However, children’s own efforts in marriage hunting are not as simple as parents may think. For example, my eldest son spent one and a half years from age 34 engaged in matchmaking through a marriage agency. Using a dedicated app, he searched daily for potential partners, paying 11,000 yen per meeting to see women at hotel lounge dates, with men covering the cost of tea under the rules.
If both parties agree, they move into a temporary dating phase, followed by “serious relationship” if things go well, and ultimately marriage. However, in reality, the success rate of marriage agencies is less than 10%. My son met around 20 women through introductions and temporary dating, but achieved no results, ultimately spending around 1.5 million yen and giving up, saying, “Marriage hunting just isn’t for me.”
“Old-fashioned.”
At the time, I was unaware of such realities and found myself wondering, “Why does everything keep failing?” With a somewhat old-school, just push through it mentality typical of the Showa generation, I even thought things like, “Instead of being so picky, they should just decide already.”
In other words, my motivation for parental proxy matchmaking was to resolve the question of “Why isn’t my child good enough?” However, as I experienced it firsthand—as reported in Part 1—I came to deeply reflect on my own naïve and arrogant assumptions, confronted with the reality that not only income, education, and occupation, but even the family background itself becomes part of the evaluation criteria.
Among the three instances of proxy matchmaking I attended, there were also fathers who spoke about the difficulty of meeting people. One man said his 36-year-old daughter enjoys drinking and hopes to meet a man she can go bar-hopping with.
When I asked, “Wouldn’t she naturally meet someone at work drinking parties or at bars she visits?” he gave a wry smile and said, “That’s old-fashioned.”
“Nowadays, harassment and abuse of power are taken very seriously. If anything happens at a company drinking party, it would immediately be reported internally. Even when people go out drinking, young people tend to find places on Instagram and go there with friends. My daughter also goes around various spots with her friends, so there really aren’t opportunities to meet people anymore.”
Even casual flirting or group dating can now easily be interpreted as harassment. From a parent’s perspective, trying to avoid any romantic or social risk for their children, parental proxy matchmaking may feel like a safer option backed by identity verification.
A full-time homemaker mother with a 41-year-old daughter was being blamed by her husband, who told her, “It’s your responsibility to fix this.”
“I’ve been worrying all this time, wondering if it was my upbringing that was the problem. I can’t just do nothing as a mother. If there is anything I can do as a parent, I want to try it—that’s why I’ve come to these networking events many times,” she said.
While her parental concern is understandable, what she expects from a potential partner for her daughter is someone who can provide a house, a car, a high level of education for their children, and a family lifestyle that includes travel and comfort. Although this may seem like high expectations, to the mother herself, it feels like the “normal” standard.
In other words, the parents are conducting proxy matchmaking based on their own life values. A man should earn enough to support a wife and children. A woman may work, but should not neglect household duties or child-rearing. Because that was their own sense of normal, they believe they are not being overly demanding.
There was even a mother who said she attended at the request of her 43-year-old daughter: “Mom, please go to the matchmaking event for me.” The daughter had tried marriage hunting through an agency for about six months but had since quit and was now leaving everything to her mother.
“It’s better to follow the path recommended by one’s parents.”
“Some people say that when they try matchmaking on their own, they find it difficult to decide who to choose. If they are rejected, they get hurt, so it’s easier to let their parents take the lead and follow the path their parents recommend.”
I never imagined there would be cases where children themselves ask their parents to take part in proxy matchmaking. But after speaking with other parents, I was surprised again.
“There are actually quite a few cases like that,” said one parent.
“In many cases, parents even accompany their children to the arranged meetings once they are set.”
From application procedures to preparing personal profiles, to parent-to-parent meetings, and even accompanying their children to the actual matchmaking sessions—what is happening is no longer simply proxy matchmaking, but parent-led matchmaking.
It is, of course, each family’s freedom to seek high-level conditions and search for a suitable partner for their child. However, do these parents not forget something important? That while they may choose, they cannot move forward unless they are also chosen in return.
How many people would genuinely want to marry a son or daughter whose parents lead, intervene, and even accompany them to meetings? That, perhaps, is the true trap of parental proxy matchmaking.
Interview and text： Yuki Ishikawa (Journalist) PHOTO： Afro