Why “You’re beautiful” and “You’re working hard” are not good words… The dreadful trap of “compliments” that bosses unknowingly use to corner their subordinates.

When I was young,” “You are beautiful,” “You work hard,” “When I was young,” and so on. ……

These words are sure to be disliked by subordinates if used in the workplace, and although we may have a vague idea of what they mean, do we really understand why?

In recent years, the issue of sexual harassment and power harassment in the workplace has become more serious, and corporate compliance has become more important. Why are the words that the middle generation casually speaks disliked by their subordinates?

We asked Dr. Yu Izumi, a researcher of philosophy of language and author of “The Power of Bad Words” (Daiwa Shobo), about the “mechanisms of words” that one should know in order to survive in the age of compliance.

The “Scary Backside” of Mounted Speech

According to Dr. Yu Izumi, the reason why the unintentional words of the middle generation sometimes make those around them uncomfortable is because they play a role in adjusting the “hierarchical relationship between people.

In today’s society, there is no hierarchy of status, and all people are equal, but what does “hierarchical relationship” mean?

Even in an equal society, it is an illusion that there is no relationship of power or position at all. In the first place, we humans are widely categorized as apes, such as chimpanzees and gorillas. They live in groups in “monkey mountains” with hierarchical relationships, and in the same way, people live in communities. It is human nature to want to create a hierarchy.

Even if they do not intend to do so, they must be sensitive to the hierarchical relationships (ranks) in the workplace, such as who is the most important and who is the most influential. Even in the same position, there will be people who are “somehow in a stronger position or somehow in a weaker position.

Language plays a role in adjusting the hierarchical relationship that such people cannot escape.

Chimpanzees use aggressive behavior and gestures to show their high rank in order to obtain food, and I believe that humans also instinctively express their intention to show their higher rank in every word they use.

For example, “When I was young,” “Don’t you know anything about that? For example, “When I was young,” “Don’t you know anything about that?

These words, which show off one’s knowledge, experience, and abilities and appeal to one’s “capable self,” play the role of showing one’s superiority.

However, people who mount themselves tend to be disliked, and their reputations are sure to decline rather than rise. Is it possible to make oneself appear superior?

The power of words is not about reputation; it is about who has power and who is dominant. Words adjust the “ranking of power.

Of course, if a person has a good reputation and is easily recognized, he or she may gain power by that reputation, but conversely, a person who has a bad reputation and is disliked can gain power by being feared and feared. People are afraid to follow them because they are afraid.

This is easy to understand if you think of a certain president who appears in the media every day. He is the king of the naked, but he continues to mount the world and dominate it without a care in the world.

I think it is easier to understand if you replace “mounting” with “swearing.” I consider swearing to be a statement about someone other than oneself that lowers that person’s rank.

If the swearing is behind someone’s back, it will not reach the person in question. Therefore, I don’t think it will hurt the person directly, but if the bad words spread around, the person’s position in the community will deteriorate and his/her rank will be lowered.

Therefore, bad language should be considered from the perspective of manipulating rankings, regardless of whether it hurts the other person, how malicious the person is, or how deep the person’s psychology is.

In other words, according to Dr. Izumi, the reason why bad words are bad is not because they are malicious words that hurt people, but because they lower the rank of others and create a superior/inferior relationship with them.

NG words” that bosses tend to use

In that light, I can’t help but wonder, “Why can’t he do that?” These words, which are uttered with the intention of reprimanding subordinates, such as “I told you that before,” are listed as “words I don’t want my boss to say to me.

In linguistics, words that form questions, such as “why,” “what,” and “when,” contain the assumption that the sentence to which they refer is “absolutely correct. The question, “Why didn’t you go on the school trip? is based on the premise that the student did not go on the school trip.

In other words, “Why can’t you do that?” is starting the conversation with the assumption that ‘you can’t do it. There is no room for rebuttal by the subordinate.

It also feels as if he is asking, “I told you before, didn’t I? I believe that the subordinates can sense the difference in the power relationship between the boss who says something and the subordinates who listen to it.

How to give a good scolding without being disliked

However, it is the supervisor’s job to support the growth of his or her subordinates, and sometimes a reprimand is necessary. What should be communicated and how?

If subordinates think that their boss is scolding them because he wants to, it will not resonate with them. When reprimanding, I think it is necessary to emphasize the future-oriented part more, not the past-oriented part.

I believe there are two sides to criticism: backward-looking criticism (past) and forward-looking criticism (future), and I think constructive criticism is to look at the past and the future at the same time.

Telling someone that “it’s bad that you can’t do something” or “this is your fault” is backward-looking criticism, and when you look at these words alone, they are no different from bad words. In other words, it only lowers the other person’s rank.

On the other hand, positive criticism conveys the message, “We are of the same rank,” or “I am pointing out your mistakes, but I am not trying to lower your position.

For example, for a subordinate who tends to be late, instead of scolding him by saying, “You’re late again,” it is better to add a positive, future-oriented remark such as, “I want you to stop doing that next time because it will be a problem for the team,” or “I want you to change your ways so we can work together as colleagues.

Reasons why “You’re beautiful” is not acceptable

Criticism is difficult, but so is praise. In this day and age, careless comments such as “she’s cute” or “she’s beautiful” can be considered sexual harassment. In addition to compliments on appearance, many subordinates take even words of encouragement such as “You’re doing a great job” negatively.

Why are words that are meant with the best of intentions considered inappropriate?

In my book, “The Power of Bad Words,” I explain that there is a “bad word square,” which is a combination of bad words, praise, boasting, and self-deprecation. If it is bad language that lowers others, self-deprecation lowers oneself, praise raises others, and boasting raises oneself, and each plays a role in adjusting the ranking.

Positive words about appearance, such as “You are beautiful” and “You are good looking,” and words of praise, such as “You are working hard,” are both raising the other person’s rank.

However, if you raise someone’s rank, someone else’s rank will drop in relative terms. From the perspective of raising one’s rank, being praised by others is no different than bragging about one’s own efforts.

And of course, boasting is shunned. This is because they don’t want to be thought of as being on a good track. Therefore, they do not want to be praised, because they do not want to be praised blindly, and they do not want their own rank to rise unnecessarily and become conspicuous.

Furthermore, since raising one’s rank means that one is worthy of being raised, there is a standard of evaluation, and this person is being evaluated as higher in rank and this person as lower in rank.

The person who is setting the standard is the person who says it, in this case, the boss. Since the boss, who is not a judge at the beauty contest, decides the standard of beauty and makes an evaluation on his/her own, it sounds as if he/she is saying, ‘Based on the standard I have decided, I will give you a compliment.

Even if the person does not intend to do so and intends the compliment to be honest and admiring, there is a possibility that it will be taken as such.

Since both praise and boasting indicate positive content, they tend to be casually uttered, but since boasting relatively lowers someone, adults should not innocently boast as much as they like.

Even in the case of compliments, if you praise someone, you relatively lower someone else’s position, so I think it is important to know that there is no small amount of social impact.

The Power of Self-Criticism to Prevent Verbal Failures

Some middle-aged people effectively use the “ranking system” of swearing, praise, self-deprecation, and boasting in their communication.

When they are talking lightly, they not only put down the other person, but also put themselves down by self-deprecation to keep the balance.

In Japan, there is a long-standing custom of saying modestly when giving a gift, ‘It’s a trifle,’ or ‘It’s nothing much,’ but there are expressions similar to this in English, and these are seen around the world as a means of adjusting human relationships.

This kind of modesty is also necessary from the standpoint of adjusting rankings.

Self-deprecation and self-deprecation are also associated with modesty and are used to maintain an equal ranking. When one lowers oneself by self-deprecation, the other person’s rank rises relative to one’s own. You can raise someone’s rank by praising and flattering them, but you can also elevate them by lowering yourself.

In today’s corporate society, strict hierarchical relationships, in which subordinates obey superiors who have absolute authority, are disappearing. However, some of the middle generation are still stuck in the old-fashioned values.

When these middle-aged people speak out, their subordinates are often repulsed, saying, “Who do you think you are? However, it is difficult to change this attitude when it has been imprinted on them that “boss = bossy. It is human nature to want to create a pecking order. Even after the issue of power harassment has been publicized, people may still unknowingly repeat “looking from the top” comments.

In the days of strict status and class society, the language spoken by superiors was restricted from use by subordinates. That is why it was easy to understand.

On the other hand, today’s society seems to be in a state of confusion due to the intricacy of various values. In a sense, we are in a transitional period, and the choice of words is difficult.

While “Okusama” and “Goshujin” used to be common terms used by third parties to refer to the spouses of a married couple, recently there have been cases where the terms “Okusama” (wife) and “Goshujin” (husband) have been changed in public to “Oyakiawase” and “Oyakusha” to avoid the nuance that Okusama = confined in the back and Goshujin = wife serving her husband, respectively.

I think this means that unless couples agree on how they want to be called by each other and on their values, their feelings may differ over a single term of endearment, and this may cause a rift.

So, what can middle-aged people do to avoid language failures?

If two people are close friends who recognize each other, they can let off steam even if the language is abusive or discriminatory, and just play along.

In the workplace, if a relationship of trust has been established between boss and subordinate, or even between colleagues, it is possible to make light remarks and even compliment someone on their appearance. In this light, I believe that the first step is to build a relationship of trust.

However Middle generation should always be aware that they are at the top of the pecking order.

In my case, everything I say becomes a “teacher’s comment,” so I should always be aware of the possibility that what I intend to say may be interpreted as an order to “do this,” even if I am simply expressing my own wish that something should be done. I am always aware of the possibility that my words may be interpreted as an order to do something, even if I am simply expressing my own wish that something be done.

I think it is important not to shrink away for fear of failure, but to accumulate small communications, even if it is just talking about the weather.

Yu Izumi was born in 1983 and graduated from the University of Maryland, College Park, PhD. D., University of Maryland, College Park. Currently Associate Professor, Department of Humanities and Cultural Studies, Nanzan University. He is the Director of the Center for Linguistic Research at Nanzan University. His areas of specialization are philosophy of language and semantics. In particular, he studies noun expressions, comparing Japanese and English. He also conducts research on the logical consequences of language use. His publications include “What is a bad word?” (Chikuma Primer Shinsho), “Introduction to Bad Philosophy of Language” (Chikuma Shinsho), and “Name and Object: Semantics of Proper Names and Bare Nouns” (Keiso Shobo).

Click here to purchase “The Power of Bad Words” by Yu Izumi, Daiwa Shobo.