The Fine Line Between Praise and Pressure in the Modern Workplace

“‘You’re beautiful,’ ‘You’re working hard,’ ‘Back in my day.’”

These are expressions that would almost certainly make subordinates dislike you if used in the workplace.

Even if people vaguely understand that such expressions are not good, do they truly understand why?

In recent years, issues of sexual harassment and power harassment in the workplace have become increasingly serious, and corporate compliance has grown more important. How can middle-aged workers avoid alienating subordinates with casual remarks, and how can we prevent verbal missteps?

To understand the mechanisms of language that we should know to survive the era of compliance, we spoke with Yu Izumi, a researcher in linguistic philosophy and author of “The Power of Bad Words” (Daiwa Shobo).

The hidden danger behind status-boosting remarks

According to Izumi, one reason that casual remarks from middle-aged workers can make others uncomfortable is that such language functions to adjust the hierarchical relationships between people.

In modern society, formal status differences have been eliminated under the principle that all people are equal, but what does hierarchy still mean?

“Even in an egalitarian society, it is an illusion to think there are no power or positional differences. Humans are, broadly speaking, primates like chimpanzees and gorillas. They live in groups with hierarchies, and humans similarly live in communities where hierarchy naturally forms.

Even if we are not conscious of it, we are highly sensitive to who holds status and influence in workplaces. Subordinates defer to superiors, juniors to seniors. Even among people with the same rank, informal hierarchies emerge—some people are somewhat stronger, others somewhat weaker.

Language plays the role of adjusting these unavoidable hierarchies.

Chimpanzees display aggression or gestures to show rank in order to secure food. In humans as well, an instinctive desire to show higher rank appears in subtle ways in our speech,” says Izumi.

For example, expressions like “Back when I was young” or “How do you not even know that?”

These are typical status-boosting remarks that flaunt one’s knowledge, experience, or ability, projecting an image of a capable self and placing oneself in a superior position.

However, people who try to assert dominance in this way tend to be disliked, and their reputation often declines rather than improves. So can such language really elevate one’s status?

“Language power is different from reputation. It determines who holds influence and who can exert pressure. Language adjusts a kind of ranking of power.

Of course, people with good reputations gain influence through that reputation. But even those with poor reputations or who are disliked can gain power if others fear them and comply out of intimidation.

If people think, ‘Better just go along with them because they’re scary,’ then power is still established.”

It is easy to understand if we think of certain world leaders who frequently appear in the media: even if criticized as foolish or self-important, they continue to assert dominance and maintain influence.

“If we replace showing dominance with speaking ill of others, it becomes clearer. I think of gossip or insults as statements that lower someone else’s rank.

If it is spoken behind their back, it does not directly reach them, so it may not seem to hurt them immediately. However, as it spreads within the community, that person’s standing declines and their rank drops.

Thus, bad language should be understood not in terms of intent or malice, but as an operation on ranking. What language directly manipulates is this hierarchy of power,” says Izumi.

In other words, what makes bad language bad is not simply that it hurts others or contains malicious intent, but that it lowers another person’s rank and reinforces a system of superiority and inferiority.

NG words bosses tend to use

When you think about it this way, it becomes understandable why expressions such as “Why can’t you even do that?” or “I already told you before,” which are meant as reprimands to subordinates, are listed online as “things you don’t want to be told by your boss.”

“From a linguistic perspective, question words such as why, what, and when contain the assumption that the sentence they apply to is absolutely correct. For example, the question ‘Why didn’t you go on the school trip?’ already presupposes the fact that you did not go on the school trip.

In other words, saying ‘Why can’t you even do that?’ begins the conversation with the assumption that you are incapable. The subordinate has no room to argue back.

Similarly, ‘I already told you before’ can be interpreted as questioning why a subordinate—who is supposed to listen to their superior—did not follow instructions. I believe such remarks convey a sense of hierarchy: that the speaker is superior, while the listener is not.”

How to scold without being disliked

hat said, supporting a subordinate’s growth is part of a manager’s job, and sometimes reprimands are necessary. So how should this be communicated?

“If subordinates think, ‘My boss is only scolding me because they want to scold me,’ the message will not resonate. When reprimanding, it is important to emphasize future-oriented thinking rather than past-oriented thinking.

I believe criticism has two sides: backward-looking criticism (focused on the past) and forward-looking criticism (focused on the future). Constructive criticism is the act of looking at both the past and the future simultaneously.

Saying things like ‘It’s bad that you can’t do it’ or ‘This is your flaw’ is backward-looking criticism, and taken alone, it is no different from insulting someone. In other words, it merely lowers their rank.

Forward-looking criticism, on the other hand, conveys messages such as: ‘We are colleagues on the same level’ and ‘I am pointing out a mistake, but I am not trying to lower your standing.’

For example, if a subordinate is frequently late, instead of simply saying, ‘You’re late again,’ you could add future-oriented comments such as, ‘This affects the team, so please avoid it next time,’ or ‘We need you as a teammate, so I’d like you to improve this.’”

Why “You’re beautiful” becomes problematic

Positive remarks about appearance such as “You’re beautiful” or “You’re cool,” as well as praise like “You’re working hard,” all function to raise the other person’s rank.

However, if someone’s rank is raised, someone else’s rank is relatively lowered. From the perspective of rank, being praised by others is no different from boasting oneself.

And boasting is of course avoided, because people do not want to be seen as arrogant. Therefore, people prefer to avoid being casually praised, in order not to have their rank unnecessarily raised and become undesirably conspicuous.

Furthermore, raising someone’s rank implies that there is value in raising it, which means there is a standard of evaluation—someone is considered higher, someone lower.

The one setting that standard is the speaker—in this case, the boss. A boss, who is not a judge in a beauty contest, arbitrarily sets the criteria for beauty and evaluates others, which can come across as saying, “Based on the standards I have set, I will graciously praise you.”

Even if there is absolutely no such intention, and the compliment is simply given out of genuine admiration, it may still be received that way.

Because both praise and boasting express positive content, they are often said casually. However, since boasting inevitably lowers others in relative terms, adults should not engage in it carelessly without restraint.

Even with praise, if you raise one person, you inevitably lower others in relative terms, so we should understand that its social impact is not insignificant.

The power of self-deprecation to prevent verbal mistakes

Some middle-aged workers effectively use the ranking-adjustment function of insults, praise, self-deprecation, and boasting in communication.

“Among people in higher positions, when conveying their achievements, many start with self-deprecation such as, ‘Lately my eyesight and hearing have gotten worse, and my daughter’s been avoiding me,’ or when making light conversation, they not only put others down but also lower themselves through self-deprecation to maintain balance.

In Japan, there has long been a custom of being modest when giving gifts, saying things like it’s nothing special or it’s not much, and similar expressions exist in English as well. These are seen worldwide as a means of adjusting human relationships.

From the perspective of ranking adjustment, such humility is necessary.

Self-deprecation and self-effacement are also linked to modesty, and are used to maintain an equal ranking system. By lowering oneself through self-deprecation, the other person’s rank is relatively raised. While praising and flattering others can raise their rank, one can also elevate others by lowering oneself.”

In modern corporate society, strict hierarchical relationships in which subordinates obey superiors with absolute authority are gradually disappearing. However, there are still middle-aged workers who cannot break away from outdated values.

Subordinates often react to such remarks with resentment such as “Who do you think you are?” but if people are conditioned to believe “boss = superior,” it is difficult to change. In the first place, humans have a tendency to create hierarchies. Even as harassment issues are widely discussed in society, people unconsciously continue to make superior-sounding remarks.

“In eras with strict class or status systems, the words spoken by superiors could not be used by those below them, and usage was clearly restricted. That is why it was easier to understand.

In contrast, modern society has a mix of diverse values, which makes things seem confusing. We are, in a sense, in a transitional period, and it is an era in which choosing the right words is difficult.

Words like ‘okusan’ and ‘goshujin,’ used to refer to a married partner in third person, were once standard terms. But recently, to avoid nuances such as ‘okusan’ implying someone confined at home or ‘goshujin’ implying a wife serving her husband, people increasingly use alternatives such as ‘otonareshu’ or spouse in formal settings.

If married couples do not align their values regarding how they wish to be addressed, even a single word can lead to misunderstandings and potential rifts.”

So how can middle-aged workers avoid verbal mistakes?

“If there is a relationship of trust, such as between close friends who respect each other, even insults or discriminatory remarks can be brushed off as jokes.

In the workplace as well, if trust is established between supervisors and subordinates or among colleagues, light banter and even compliments about appearance become possible. In that sense, building trust is the first necessity.

However, middle-aged workers should always be aware that they are in a position of relative superiority.

In my case, everything I say becomes a professor’s statement, so even when I think I am simply expressing a desire like ‘I’d like you to do this,’ I am constantly aware that it may be interpreted as a command: ‘Do this.’

Rather than shrinking in fear of making mistakes, I think it is important to accumulate small communications, even something as simple as talking about the weather.”

▼ Yu Izumi (born 1983). PhD from the University of Maryland, College Park. Currently Associate Professor in the Department of Human Culture, Faculty of Humanities, Nanzan University, and Director of the Nanzan University Linguistics Research Center. Specializes in philosophy of language and semantics, particularly research on noun expressions comparing Japanese and English. Also studies the logical consequences of language use. Author of works including “What Is Bad Language?” (Chikuma Primer Shinsho), An Introduction to Bad Linguistics (Chikuma Shinsho), and “The Meaning of Proper Names and Objects: Semantics of Proper Names and Bare Nouns” (Keiso Shobo).