A famous counselor who has treated 2,000 couples talks about “the lesion of married couples.

To improve the marriage, the damaged foundations of trust need to be repaired. But that takes time and energy. It is not so easy to rebuild trust once it has been damaged. It is fine if you want to build from scratch as you did when you first met, but in some cases, you will have to start from a negative base.

To return the trust to a zero-based relationship means to return to a state where we can safely talk to each other and where we are both willing to understand each other. It is also important that there are no strong emotional rifts that cause aversion. When the foundation of trust has been broken, there can be a large and multiple emotional rut. The more you dig, the more ruts can emerge like layers that have built up. The longer the marriage has been together, the larger the reservoir of ruts can be, so the journey from repair to improvement still takes time.”

So, what can we do to avoid falling into such a “rift” with our partners? Mr. Ando says, “We need to understand each other and be considerate of each other. However, the biggest problem, he says, is when people take these words in a blanket way and blame the other person, saying, “Look, you don’t understand me,” or “You don’t care about me.

When we blame the other person for “you,” we are in no small way hurting ourselves. When we are hurt, we all tend to become aggressive, and it is understandable that we blame the other person. Why do I have to understand you when you don’t understand me? It may be a natural reaction for them to feel, “Why do I have to be considerate of you when you can’t be considerate of me?

Of course, it would be better if we could start working together, but that is often difficult. If that is the case, you must first realize that you are hurting. It is important to realize that you are hurt and that your priority is to take care of yourself rather than to blame the other person. We often hear people say, “Take care of yourself. That’s true, but it’s not enough to “take care of yourself” to take care of the other person. However, I believe that unless you combine “taking care of yourself” with “taking care of your partner,” marital relationships are likely to become strained. I think the important thing is to understand the other person and to be understood by the other person, so that both parties are aware of the need to take care of each other.”