The Heartbreaking Reality of Business Caretakers Wishing Their Parents Never Wake Up
Can parents be happy to see their children prioritize caregiving at the expense of work and their own families?”
The number of “business caregivers” who take care of their parents while working is increasing. They may think, “My parents are still healthy, so they will be fine,” but one day they may suddenly have to make a choice between work and nursing care.
What should business caregivers do to make caregiving compatible with work?
Using the experience of Aina Nishizaki (49 years old, pseudonym), who decided to leave her job because she could not balance work and nursing care, as a case study, we will discuss this issue in the first and second parts of this two-part series. The second part of this report focuses on an interview with Jun Kawauchi, representative of “My Neighbor’s Kaigo,” a non-profit organization that provides consulting services to companies to support nursing care.
The most urgent issue is to “take care of the parents. Resetting the mindset that “caregiving = filial piety
Caring for one’s parents is an act of filial piety, so one wants to complete the task with one’s own hands.
Many business caregivers are trying their best to provide nursing care with this mindset.
However, Jun Kawauchi, president of the NPO “My Neighbor’s Kaigo,” points out that this mindset of “nursing care = being by my parents’ side = filial piety” is the biggest problem for business caregivers who struggle to balance work and nursing care.
She says, “The sentiment is wonderful and I sympathize with it. But I think it’s a mistake.
I want to fulfill my parents’ wishes as much as possible because it would be good for my filial piety. The more you try, the more tired you become and the less time you have to spare, and the less kind you can be to them.
You may be put in such a difficult situation that you look at your parents’ sleeping faces and think, ‘I wish they would never wake up again. Is it really good caregiving to quit your job and work that hard? Also, would parents be happy to see their children prioritize caregiving at the expense of work and their own families?”
For example, there are business caregivers who say, “There are no reliable nursing care services, so I quit my job and stay by their side,” or “I can’t leave my parents alone when they come home from day care, so I take advantage of shorter working hours.
But…
However, “people who need care do not want someone to watch over them all day long, and from the perspective of “independence support” under the long-term care insurance system, it is not in their best interest. Also, there is no reason why someone who can go to a day service should not be able to be alone when they get home. The thought that “I have to be there for them” is not for their parents, but to relieve their own anxiety.
In the first part of this report, we introduced the case of Aina Nishizaki (pseudonym, age 49), who decided to leave her job for her mother, who refused to be a helper, and spent about a year traveling back and forth between her home and her parents’ house while she continued to care for her mother . Ms. Nishizaki said that, as Mr. Kawauchi pointed out, she regretted not being able to treat her mother kindly, as she lost her composure as she led a life that prioritized nursing care.
And now, she told us, she knows a little more.
She said, “At the time, I thought I was doing what my mother wanted in my own way, so I couldn’t understand why she kept complaining to me. But maybe what I was doing was not what my mother wanted.
For example, here is what happened. A few months before she passed away, my mother seemed to have fallen down often in the house, and when I went to my parents’ house one morning, I found her sitting on the kitchen floor with the water still running from the faucet. Seeing my mother like that made me think more and more that the proper way to care for her was to be by her side.
I didn’t think about what my mother meant when she said angrily, “You don’t even have to make me breakfast,” as she angrily told me not to stand in the kitchen because it was dangerous.
Looking back, I wonder if my mother wanted me to be able to move freely in my own home regardless of my fall, and to see my daughter’s smiling face instead of her angry face, rather than trying to prevent a fall from happening.
But if I am near her, I can’t help but be concerned. So I wonder if I should have kept a physical distance from her, like my sister who lives far away, or if I myself should have been prepared to not care or be upset no matter what happened.”
What children should do is not direct caregiving, but “professional assistance”
What makes caregiving difficult is that each person who needs care has different care needs. The care that will benefit them and help them live their own lives is not apparent even to them. That is why we children should understand that we need the objective viewpoint of a professional with expertise.
However, matching caregivers who need care with professionals depends on luck. There is a good chance that the caregiver will be matched with a care manager or helper who lacks experience or consideration.
For this reason, there are cases where children look for care managers until their parents like them, or decide to move to the city because there are not enough day care services in the area. Says Kawauchi.
I don’t think the child should be responsible for that. It is the person who needs care who lives in the area and receives support. I think the child should just sit back and watch and see how he or she accepts the situation.
Even if you are a professional, you will not be able to find “care for the person to live as he/she desires” without repeating trial and error. I have experienced this myself, and it is very difficult. It is not possible for them to open up to you from the beginning, so you have to keep trying until you find the best way to approach them.
What becomes important in this process is the assistance of family members. The caregivers do not know the personality, lifestyle, or life style of the person who needs care. By listening to such information from family members and imagining their past and future lives, we can see their motivation for maintaining their lives and arrive at the care they truly need. When you think about it that way, I still don’t think you can say that having the child accomplish this = good care.”
What children should do is not direct caregiving, but rather professional assistance. What children should do is to provide appropriate information and set up a caregiving system so that their parents can live their lives as they wish.
The company’s nursing care leave system should be used to establish such a system, not to provide care, he says.
Many business caregivers, when they need to care for a parent, first use their paid time off to take care of the parent, and then apply for the nursing care leave system only after panicking and saying, ‘I need to take more time off to take care of my parent. In other words, they are using the system directly for caregiving. Then, taking time off work = a means to continue caring for the elderly, which leads to job turnover. Therefore, we would like the nursing care leave system to be used not for direct nursing care, but to establish a complete nursing care system with professionals.
In many cases, caregiving begins suddenly one day. While parents are still healthy, it is important to reset the mindset that “nursing care = filial piety,” and to confirm the location of the “community comprehensive support center” to consult when nursing care becomes necessary, and what kind of support they can provide.
Even if it is just a phone call, we would be happy to help. “Even if it’s just a phone call, ask what kind of support is available in the community where your parents live. If you do this, it will be easier for you to ask for help when you need it. Also, if there is a consultation service at your place of work, it would be a good idea to consult there first.
Jun Kawauchi Representative Director of the NPO “My Neighbor’s Kaigo,” born in 1980 . Born in 1980, she graduated from the Department of Social Welfare, Faculty of Letters, Sophia University. After working for a nursing home placement business, a foreign-affiliated consulting firm, and as a home and facility care worker, she established the citizens’ group “My Neighbor’s Kaigo” in 2008, which was incorporated as an NPO in 2002.
Interview and text： Keiko Tsuji
